Being Chased By Butterflies

I’ve been across the Utah/Arizona State line 5 times in four days. I’ve hiked and camped and gotten decently drunk. I’m crossing things off of my bucket list left and right. Home is on the other side of the country and I am still haunted by the memories of my ex. Our memories floating around in the back of my mind, sloshing around like the water in my almost empty camelbak. The first camping trip I ever took with him in highschool. Our road trips that consisted of loud off key singing and laughing until we cried. Our trip to Vegas. The plans we made that neither of us realized would never come to fruition. It’s all just floating around up there while I try not fall into a canyon to my death. Eyes forward, looking out for anything poisionous or larger than me. Oh, and faster than me. Memories, memories, memories. Damn, I tripped again. Water. Memories, memories. SLAP. Right across my face, a hard fierce slap. It’s the anniversary of Mum’s passing. A hot nausea sweeps over me and I realize it took four hours of awakeness for me to remember. My heart is heavy. His mum was my family too. I loved her. I learned to become comfortable with her disease. I fed her. We watched Law & Order:SVU. Alot. I loved her. But not enough; there wasn’t enough time. Too many days spent visiting her in the hospital. Too many nights listing to the man I loved cry himself to sleep because his mum is dying. Maybe all of the memories that have been creeping up recently were trying to remind me, to tell me to stop thinking of myself and remember mum. To celebrate her because if anyone deserves it she does. This is the first year in almost five years that he and I won’t lay in bed and miss mum together. The first year we won’t talk about mum and laugh about what a lively, blunt personality she had until the very end.

I’m not religious, not spiritual, I don’t believe in big foot or an after life. I believe in Karma and being the best version of yourself that you can be. I believe that you should never stop trying to be better. Today I believe mum was with me on my hike. One butterfly followed me for twelve miles. She didn’t say goodbye until I had reached my car. Keeping me safe. Looking out for me like always. Saying “Hello, I miss you too. Don’t worry.”

Today mum and I took a hike together.

I hope you’re running through a field of sun flowers, you beautiful soul.

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